this blog could potentially be really long...but i will try to sum up my thoughts...basically my prayers have been answered...for the past few months i have been praying about church...if i'm supposed to stay where i am or if he is leading me elsewhere...and if i am supposed to stay how can i feel connected and known...well i have felt like my prayers were not really leading anywhere...i felt more lost than ever...more unsure of where he was leading me...until a couple of weeks ago when he started to answer my cries...
it started one week when i got an odd e-mail from the children's pastor at my church. i don't really know her since there are other people "over" my minstry that are below her. the e-mail basically asked if i was happy with my ministry and liked what i was doing. she said someone told her they thought i wasn't...i was surprised since my ministry has been the only thing keeping me at imago the past few months. i didn't have a home community anymore and some sundays i would only go to that and not service because i've felt so lost in such a huge group of strangers. the ministry i've been doing for the past 14 months has been my lifeline. the e-mail did something, though. it brought some honesty between her and i. i told her how i wasn't sure if i was going to stay at imago and what i just explained above. she said that she would love to get together and talk and help me sort out my feelings. she said she could help me see if i was being led elsewhere or if i should stay. we set a date for 2 weeks later...
the next week i get a phone call from one of the leaders of my old home community. i was already told by his wife that he might be calling me to see if i'd like to help start a new one. so when he called i was hoping i could say with certainty yes but i told him i would like to be apart of it while continuing to pray for direction...as i might not be at imago much longer. he seemed fine with my searching and still invited me to come to the core group.
well by a week ago i was thinking i should try other churches. i tried a great one- real small and in transition but friendly people, solid theology...i decided i should tell the leaders in my ministry i needed a break [so i could try out other things].
my meeting with my children's pastor was thursday. i was a little nervous. i wasn't sure what it would look like since she knew i might move on and since i didn't really know her. have you ever had a conversation that you could hear the lord speaking through? where you could hear him answering your prayers because what the other person was saying was exactly what you had been praying about? have you ever felt so amazed by him that you where speechless? in the hour and a half that we talked i had never felt so loved and cared for by him. he was answering my prayers through this other person who didn't know me very well and certainly didn't know what i had been asking...
what he did was answer 2 specific requests i had for me to stay: 1) that i would have community 2) that i could learn from her [the children's pastor]. i knew he could answer the community part if i made an effort to joing a new home community. instead he brought it to me by having people ask me to be apart of their group. i really though number 2 was almost impossible. wow- i have such little faith! i thought she was too busy for me or that i wasn't worthy of being in her close circle. instead she told me how i had stood out to her...that she noticied me and asked about me...that she would like to help me get connected...that she would like to have me as a part of her leadership team...meeting with her...all these things that i thought i couldn't ask for...he was offering to me through her. my cries to be known and to grow and have community and to serve...were being answered.
as i left in shock of how much the lord loves me and listens to our cries the only thing i could say and sing in my heart was these lines to this song over and over:
lord, i'm amazed by you, lord i'm amazed by you
lord, i'm amazed by you, how you love me
as she told me...it will take time for me to feel connected...and i know it will take an effort on my part- to serve and be vulnerable. but the lord brough such a great gift to me this week that i had to share. i hope it encourages you to not give up praying because he hears us...and he loves us.
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